Contemporary beattitudes from a worldly perspective:

Blessed are you who are comfortable financially,
for your stress and worries will be reduced.

Blessed are you who eat well,
for good food is of God.

Blessed are you who laugh,
for laughter is good for everyone.

Blessed are you when people like you
for you will have friends for life.

Woe to you who lack financially,
for you could have so much more peace.
(God’s blessing is on others but not really you)

Woe to you who are hungry,
for it will consume your life.
(And you’re probably just lazy)

Woe to you who weep,
for tears drain the soul.
(Get over it!)

Woe to you when people don’t like you,
for you will be hindered in much of what you do.
(If you would just try a little harder)